Garshasp : The Monster Slayer
Do not buy Garshasp : The Monster Slayer.
You may be tempted. You might see it on sale and think “Hmm, how bad can a third person brawler really be?” After all it looks kinda like God of War’. This is the thought that will trick you into buying one of the worst games conceived by man since Irish Roulette (every chamber has a bullet so we all win!). As someone who has an active interest in games, writes about them and enjoys indie products I’m supposed to look at a game made on free license software by some chumps in Iran and feel warm and fuzzy. I don’t. Garshasp only makes me feel angry.
Garshasp: The Monster Slayer is based on some Persian mythology no-one reading this review will give a shit about. It is almost possible that I may have eked some enjoyment out of the game if I knew anything about this mythology, but unfortunately the developers didn’t see fit to introduce me to it. Instead, we start with a seriously rough cut scene (the kind that clearly has nothing to do with the game graphics) and some narrator with the dulcet tones of a sex offender on day release. Apparently Garshap’s brother has guarded the Mace of Tits and because of this, been murdered by a big demon. Garshap’s job is to get the Mace back I think, or avenge his brother or something. It isn’t really clear.
A Mace of Tits would be 100% more awesome than this game.
From there, we tumble down a torrid rabbit hole of ridiculous collision detection, boring enemies, pointless weapon ‘upgrades’ and bad level design. The collision detection is so bad it feels like some kind of experiment in abstract design. Every object, enemy and wall appears to have a rectangular hit box exuding about 4 feet from them in every direction. Unless you actually need to hit something, in which case you’ll whiff your sword about ineffectually while being mercilessly fucked by some anonymous demon.
Despite this rampant fuckery on behalf of the character models, Garshasp manages to be impossibly easy. I kid you not, there was a certain class of enemy that appeared often (and in numbers) without ever being so bold as to initiate an attack. This may be because Garshasp’s worryingly furrowed brow cowed them into obedience but we’ll never know as many of them fell through the world before they could be questioned.
In this picture I’m stuck on some invisible terrain, unable to move. This happened thrice and required a reload.
The only challenge in the game comes from the platforming sections. This is because the true enemy, in what I can only assume is some sort of post modern comment on game design, is the camera. Nothing I have ever faced in any game has wanted to kill me as much as this camera. Inspiration comes from God of War and the camera is fixed in each environment. This switches incredibly quickly and almost always reverses your controls. Occasionally it zooms out into an almost 2D view but the perspective is eye wateringly borked, giving no sense of depth for reaching the next platform.
If I was feeling incredibly generous I could say that the character models and combat animations don’t make me want to punch a baby. The problem is it is difficult to admire the animations or art when you’re constantly distracted by the incandescent rage of paying money for this garbage. Thankfully the game is extremely short and offers absolutely no replay value beyond some stupid ball busting for achievements. If you find yourself tempted to buy this, book yourself in for a week at Guantanamo instead. It’ll look better, hurt less and leave you with a much grander sense of achievement.